[ThrottleHead]

To all the people who read this messageboard... please read this. If seeing the error of my ways you can take a true hard look at your life and see mistakes you have made then I have accomplished what I truly want to do.

I post this message as an emotionally and physically exhausted man. Spritually found man. There are a number of reasons for posting this message, in no particular order. First one is these are things that by talking about not only make me feel better but also if it saves ANYONES marriage/relationship or makes people think about theirs then I consider this post to be worthwhile. Second is it's Christmastime and people should be thankful for all the gifts they have in their lives, even the ones they do not want. Third is my daughter Amber is a frequent reader of this messageboard and if by reading this she can further understand the situation then this is good too. Hers and my relationship has been distant and strained for a long time.... for which I may never be able to forgive myself for. Yes we go to the races BUT I was not the dad to her I should have been. Fourth is for Leatha, the woman whom I still consider to be, even through her flaws, to be a beautiful woman. Did I say it anywhere near enough.... no.... but nonetheless considering where we are going I still wish you to know. Our talks often irritate you so maybe by typing this out there will be no irritation.

Monday December 17, 2007, the darkest day of my life, my wife, who I have known for sixteen and a half years and TRULY LOVED, together for over 11 of, asked me for a divorce. Details are insignificant... but events are.

This is a feeling I wish upon NO ONE.... not even those who in the past I considered my worst enemies. It was an event that ripped my soul open to the core. For the second time in my life I felt truly vulnerable

Did I see this coming... yes. Did I know she was unhappy.... yes. Was I unhappy...... yes. But you are in your comfort zone and when the rug comes flying out from under you.... you find out what kind of man you really are.

A cry was made out several months ago for marriage counciling. I was too blinded by pride and ego to accept this. I felt my wife had core issues that needed dealt with first before we dealt with ours. Is that REALLY my call to make?????? No. Shouldn't you go to counciling FIRST and let the professionals make that decision???? Kind of a no-brainer don't you think?

So she basically had given up at this point. For over at least the last several months she has acted like everything is ok. I thought to myself wow this is a switch. But she has meds for treatment of some medical issues so I blindly thought the meds were working their wonders and all was fine in life. This should have been a red flag to me.... but hey I'm not the one with issues......

A week ago friday she leaves for a friends house to spend some time with her for the day. Later that evening she says she'd really like to stay the weekend. We had incoming weather plus I know I would have missed her a lot so I basically said why don't you come home. Friday night seemed really strange.... instead of TALKING I got into my comfort zone again and ignored the red flag AGAIN.

Saturday starts off with her being ok... I thought something was up, but again DID NOT COMMUNICATE. By the late afternoon something happened that set her off. She was tired of everything.... me... marriage.... life in general..... she had enough and was going back to her friends house. ONLY now did I really think uh oh..... we have a problem.

The rest of the weekend I talked to the kids a lot. Something I had not really done..... well, ever. I had an idea this was it, but thought no if she comes back we can save this. Her mom and my mom talked sense into me and I truly reallized we needed counciling. Little did I know.....

She returns Monday afternoon wanting to talk to me after work. I left early and was informed of her decision. No attempt at working things out. At this stage she did not care and had moved on. Well, reacting in typical Don fashion, I verbally flew off the handle. As people have seen by certain postings on here I do not have the capability to really word right what I think. I say things before I really think about if its really true or not. The words of a crushed and angry man were flowing as swiftly as a swollen river. We sat down during this stage and due to my stubborness said we will work out divorce details now. BAD CALL. More words of anger and hurt kept coming. I leave for a friends house Moday evening.

Tuesday had me realize what I did Monday night. "Great Job Don you blew it again pal" was my thought. I managed to get thru my workday and went back to the house for a few things. I had calmed down but was at this stage angry with her and I was still snotty to her. Still not cool.

Between Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning something truly amazing happened. I was sobbing, felt lower than I EVER HAD, and asked God to come into my life. Now before you think SERMON, nope. I respect everyone enough to to "lecture" or "force religion down throats". Thru Him I began to feel the love and much of the pain had left. I began to see the world and events in my life that had occurred crystal clear. For the first time in my 37 year life I felt the best I had ever felt. I am a Saved man. Too bad it took a rug coming out from under me to see this, but God has to throw a brick at you now and then to wake up.

The whole day at work Wednesday had me seeing soooo many things I had done worng in my life. Getting wrapped up in a selfish world of being on the computer ALL THE TIME when not at work. Ignoring signs from my wife of trouble. But the most important mistake of my life... the EMOTIONAL NEGLECT OF MY CHILDREN. Marsy, the oldest girl, is 18 and never had her father involved in her life because he has no sense of responsibility. So since right before her 2nd birthday I was on the scene.... being the dad she never had. Yes I did things with her.... but nowhere near enough. I love her as my own.. always have, always will. I love you Marsy!!!! But the sad fact is..... NEGLECTED. Then Amber who is 13. My little race chick. It's been well documented by my wife that I really wanted a boy. Yep I did. But hey she was alive and fine so I got over that fact and loved her with all my heart. Always have... always will. She has turned out to be an even bigger racing fan than me. Look out world... rabid racefan on the loose! I sooooooo neglected her over the years. She became a teenager and I felt like she was an alien.... WHO IS THIS AND WHERE IS MY KID????? Dad"s HAVE TO understand teenage girls no matter how difficult it seems to get done. She's a race fan for life. Die hard thru and thru. I spent nowhere near enough time with her. Amber, I love you Turtle!!!!! Then there is Logan, my 11 year old son from a complete mess I was involved with after my wife and I split the first time. His mom loved him but could never really get a handle on him. She always had issues with his behaviour towards her. She bounced from house to house. Much of his life has been uprooted with broken homes. But thru it all the little man has been an honor roll student. Yea he had his issues not minding in school.... some discipline issues but all was worked out. I got physical custody of him less than 2 months ago after wanting and half-fighting for him for 8 years. Guess what... uprooted again and yet another broken home. He's a little race fan too. He SOOOO looks forward to the next time we go to the races. I got my boy I wanted.... but again NEGLECTED. Spent NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH time with him. These kids are the best gift in life and if I recieve no gifts from anyone today it is truly OK because they are all the best gifts a man can ever have! I love them all with all of my heart... something I never really said to them for all their lives.

Since this time not only have I asked God for forgiveness, but I have asked it from my children and from my wife who I think really detests me at this stage. We have talked more this week than I think we ever did since we knew each other. To her... too little too late. She has moved on with her life. I struggle with that. Seems too soon to me.... but when she didn't care for several months and moved on with her life I can see where she is now. I sitll do not agree with things being done but we are civil. I asked to be friends.... not only for the kids sake but for ours as well. I have no idea where she is me in reality.... I just hope that I can be a positive influence in her life and she can see the mistakes we both made in our lives. We have deep issues... but everything can get resolved with time and effort. I see this clearly now.

Sorry for the long-windedness of this, but it needed to be done. I realized thru the grace of God the error of my ways. I am a changed man! I am no where near as cynical and smart-aliky (spelling?) as I used to be. Is it still there, yep. Not as bad tho. This version of Don Gilbert is light-years ahead of the old one.

Amber.... I hope this clarifies things for you. I love my Turtle soooo much and I hope you give Dad a chance to show you I have righted my ship. I cannot undo the past.... but I certainly can control my future! Marsy and Logan, same to you two..... Daddy loves you sooo much! I will be the Dad all 3 of you deserve.... and if I slip I have people on this board who can 2-by-4 my upside the head to get me to see straight!

Leatha.... I wish you well on your new track in life. While I feel as though we stil lhave unfinished business, I respect your decision and wish you nothing but toal happiness in your life!

I am still struggling with all this. Our marriage is over. Papers have been signed. But I am sooooo sad about this. So many mistakes.... forgiving myself for these mistakes is going to be the hardest part. Last night was the hardest yet I think. But hey I'm a tough bird... I'll be ok in time.

And again.... if this makes you look at your situation and think about it then I can say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

To EVERYONE on this board, have a very Merry Christmas! Be thankful for all the gifts you have in your life..... I certainly do!!!

[Dwight Clock]

Don, check your pm's.

I have an enormous amount of respect for you to admit that you have made mistakes and willing to the best you can to change your life.

You are an example to all of us that sometimes you just need to realize what is the most important thing should be to us.

I have never met you but if I did/or do I would shake you hand for being a fine example of what a man should be: one who openly amdits fault and rectifies the situation.

My prayers are with you during this time. May God give you the strength you need now and forever.

[midgy]

Don - I have never been married so I have no idea what you are feeling. However, you have made me sit back and take a look at my own life - some of the mistakes that I have made - thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings -

This Thing Is Verry Close To What Happen To Me... Woke Up One Morning And Saw Some Papers On The Sofa....they Hade One Word... Devorce All Over Them....and I Had 4 Weeks To Live Some Where else. So I Called The Little Miss.. And Ask Her What Was Up? She Came Home And Said She Did Not Love Me Any More...I Am Still In A Tail Spin..... This After 30+ Years Of Being Together and 2 Great Kids.....I Feel Your Pain...Dwight Will Help...because He Knows......

[Al Pierce]

A scenario that is played out all too often in the lives we lead today. Marriages have become all too disposable. Divorces are consumated by filing a form with the courts and waiting for a judge to look at and sign it. Having been married for over 48 years, I can attest that staying married is work. My life's work led me to places where my weaknesses were manifested and temptations nearly overcame me at times. Only the fact that I had the greatest marriage partner that loved me and was willing to suffer the hard times kept our marriage solvent. I still have that partner and since have been found by the greatest healer that ever existed. I feel for this man but I am confident that by his faith he will overcome all obstacles. Sometimes we just need a swift kick to realize where our salvation comes from. Merry Christmas Brother.

[QUOTE=Al Pierce;22206]

I had the greatest marriage partner that loved me and was willing to suffer the hard times kept our marriage solvent

.:thumb::thumb::thumb::thumb:

[ChaplainJackie]

Hi Throttlehead,
Welcome to Gods family
My name is Jackie Apted and I am the Chaplain at Lawrencebug Speedway. I to am divorced, different situation but the same pain. I admire your post. Talking about giving your heart to Christ tore mine out. I wanted to give to you a few scriptures that helped me through the hurting and mending times.

Lord when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer.
Psalm 94:19 When it hurt so much that it was hard to breath, I said this over and over till I was quieted and God relieved the turmoil inside. There is a quote from Robin Norwood that says this so well. "Sometimes the emptiness will be so deep, you will almost be able to feel the wind blowing through the place where your heart should be." Job cried out to God when he felt like this in the book of Job 7:11 Ah, let me express my anguish, let me be free to speak out of the bitterness of my soul, and he did. Also in the book of Psalm 34:18-19 King David tell us that "The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking He rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins. The good man does not escape all troubles, he has them too. But the Lord helps him in each and everyone. The books of Corinthians are very helpful also, Paul has a very graceful and non condemning way of talking to his congregations. In 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 Paul says, We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed, we are perplexed but not in despair, persecuted, but not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed.

I'm a preacher so I can go on and on plus there is so much comfort in the Word of God and I want you to feel it, but I will leave you with this prayer.
Heavenly Father
I pray for Throttlehead today, your Sons birthday that where ever Throttlehead has experienced rejection in his past that he will not allow that to color what he sees and hears now. Pour forgiveness into his heart so that bitterness, resentment, revenge, and unforgiveness will have no place there. May Throttlehead regard the past as only a history lesson and not a quide for his daily life now. Where ever his past has become an unpleasant memory I pray You God, would redeem it and bring life out of it. Bind up his wounds and restore his soul (our mind, will and emotions). Help Throttlehead God to release the past so that he will not live in it, but learn from it, break free from it and move into the future You have for him.
In Jesus name we pray in faith Amen.
Throttlehead, anytime you need someone to pray with, talk to cry with anything please feel free to call me 513-673-3368 or e-mail me
racinrev44@aol.com. Hey all our hearts have been broken, but you are a new Christian and I want to help guide you into that relationship we were all missing, the one with God and Jesus His son. If you don't have a Bible I can send you one.
Jackie
P.S.Every sinner has a future and every saint has a past.
P.S.S. Christmas is when God pitched his hauler among us and moved into our neighborhood.

[1BIGracefan]

I am PROUD to call Don Gilbert my friend. I have known him for 22 years and I can see a change in him already. His struggles have made me rethink my marriage. I have always neglected my wife I will stop doing this now because SHE is my ROCK.

[cmp]

Chin up and God Bless You. Your surrounded by Love.
Bruce