To all the people who read this messageboard... please read this. If seeing the error of my ways you can take a true hard look at your life and see mistakes you have made then I have accomplished what I truly want to do.

I post this message as an emotionally and physically exhausted man. Spritually found man. There are a number of reasons for posting this message, in no particular order. First one is these are things that by talking about not only make me feel better but also if it saves ANYONES marriage/relationship or makes people think about theirs then I consider this post to be worthwhile. Second is it's Christmastime and people should be thankful for all the gifts they have in their lives, even the ones they do not want. Third is my daughter Amber is a frequent reader of this messageboard and if by reading this she can further understand the situation then this is good too. Hers and my relationship has been distant and strained for a long time.... for which I may never be able to forgive myself for. Yes we go to the races BUT I was not the dad to her I should have been. Fourth is for Leatha, the woman whom I still consider to be, even through her flaws, to be a beautiful woman. Did I say it anywhere near enough.... no.... but nonetheless considering where we are going I still wish you to know. Our talks often irritate you so maybe by typing this out there will be no irritation.

Monday December 17, 2007, the darkest day of my life, my wife, who I have known for sixteen and a half years and TRULY LOVED, together for over 11 of, asked me for a divorce. Details are insignificant... but events are.

This is a feeling I wish upon NO ONE.... not even those who in the past I considered my worst enemies. It was an event that ripped my soul open to the core. For the second time in my life I felt truly vulnerable

Did I see this coming... yes. Did I know she was unhappy.... yes. Was I unhappy...... yes. But you are in your comfort zone and when the rug comes flying out from under you.... you find out what kind of man you really are.

A cry was made out several months ago for marriage counciling. I was too blinded by pride and ego to accept this. I felt my wife had core issues that needed dealt with first before we dealt with ours. Is that REALLY my call to make?????? No. Shouldn't you go to counciling FIRST and let the professionals make that decision???? Kind of a no-brainer don't you think?

So she basically had given up at this point. For over at least the last several months she has acted like everything is ok. I thought to myself wow this is a switch. But she has meds for treatment of some medical issues so I blindly thought the meds were working their wonders and all was fine in life. This should have been a red flag to me.... but hey I'm not the one with issues......

A week ago friday she leaves for a friends house to spend some time with her for the day. Later that evening she says she'd really like to stay the weekend. We had incoming weather plus I know I would have missed her a lot so I basically said why don't you come home. Friday night seemed really strange.... instead of TALKING I got into my comfort zone again and ignored the red flag AGAIN.

Saturday starts off with her being ok... I thought something was up, but again DID NOT COMMUNICATE. By the late afternoon something happened that set her off. She was tired of everything.... me... marriage.... life in general..... she had enough and was going back to her friends house. ONLY now did I really think uh oh..... we have a problem.

The rest of the weekend I talked to the kids a lot. Something I had not really done..... well, ever. I had an idea this was it, but thought no if she comes back we can save this. Her mom and my mom talked sense into me and I truly reallized we needed counciling. Little did I know.....

She returns Monday afternoon wanting to talk to me after work. I left early and was informed of her decision. No attempt at working things out. At this stage she did not care and had moved on. Well, reacting in typical Don fashion, I verbally flew off the handle. As people have seen by certain postings on here I do not have the capability to really word right what I think. I say things before I really think about if its really true or not. The words of a crushed and angry man were flowing as swiftly as a swollen river. We sat down during this stage and due to my stubborness said we will work out divorce details now. BAD CALL. More words of anger and hurt kept coming. I leave for a friends house Moday evening.

Tuesday had me realize what I did Monday night. "Great Job Don you blew it again pal" was my thought. I managed to get thru my workday and went back to the house for a few things. I had calmed down but was at this stage angry with her and I was still snotty to her. Still not cool.

Between Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning something truly amazing happened. I was sobbing, felt lower than I EVER HAD, and asked God to come into my life. Now before you think SERMON, nope. I respect everyone enough to to "lecture" or "force religion down throats". Thru Him I began to feel the love and much of the pain had left. I began to see the world and events in my life that had occurred crystal clear. For the first time in my 37 year life I felt the best I had ever felt. I am a Saved man. Too bad it took a rug coming out from under me to see this, but God has to throw a brick at you now and then to wake up.

The whole day at work Wednesday had me seeing soooo many things I had done worng in my life. Getting wrapped up in a selfish world of being on the computer ALL THE TIME when not at work. Ignoring signs from my wife of trouble. But the most important mistake of my life... the EMOTIONAL NEGLECT OF MY CHILDREN. Marsy, the oldest girl, is 18 and never had her father involved in her life because he has no sense of responsibility. So since right before her 2nd birthday I was on the scene.... being the dad she never had. Yes I did things with her.... but nowhere near enough. I love her as my own.. always have, always will. I love you Marsy!!!! But the sad fact is..... NEGLECTED. Then Amber who is 13. My little race chick. It's been well documented by my wife that I really wanted a boy. Yep I did. But hey she was alive and fine so I got over that fact and loved her with all my heart. Always have... always will. She has turned out to be an even bigger racing fan than me. Look out world... rabid racefan on the loose! I sooooooo neglected her over the years. She became a teenager and I felt like she was an alien.... WHO IS THIS AND WHERE IS MY KID????? Dad"s HAVE TO understand teenage girls no matter how difficult it seems to get done. She's a race fan for life. Die hard thru and thru. I spent nowhere near enough time with her. Amber, I love you Turtle!!!!! Then there is Logan, my 11 year old son from a complete mess I was involved with after my wife and I split the first time. His mom loved him but could never really get a handle on him. She always had issues with his behaviour towards her. She bounced from house to house. Much of his life has been uprooted with broken homes. But thru it all the little man has been an honor roll student. Yea he had his issues not minding in school.... some discipline issues but all was worked out. I got physical custody of him less than 2 months ago after wanting and half-fighting for him for 8 years. Guess what... uprooted again and yet another broken home. He's a little race fan too. He SOOOO looks forward to the next time we go to the races. I got my boy I wanted.... but again NEGLECTED. Spent NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH time with him. These kids are the best gift in life and if I recieve no gifts from anyone today it is truly OK because they are all the best gifts a man can ever have! I love them all with all of my heart... something I never really said to them for all their lives.

Since this time not only have I asked God for forgiveness, but I have asked it from my children and from my wife who I think really detests me at this stage. We have talked more this week than I think we ever did since we knew each other. To her... too little too late. She has moved on with her life. I struggle with that. Seems too soon to me.... but when she didn't care for several months and moved on with her life I can see where she is now. I sitll do not agree with things being done but we are civil. I asked to be friends.... not only for the kids sake but for ours as well. I have no idea where she is me in reality.... I just hope that I can be a positive influence in her life and she can see the mistakes we both made in our lives. We have deep issues... but everything can get resolved with time and effort. I see this clearly now.

Sorry for the long-windedness of this, but it needed to be done. I realized thru the grace of God the error of my ways. I am a changed man! I am no where near as cynical and smart-aliky (spelling?) as I used to be. Is it still there, yep. Not as bad tho. This version of Don Gilbert is light-years ahead of the old one.

Amber.... I hope this clarifies things for you. I love my Turtle soooo much and I hope you give Dad a chance to show you I have righted my ship. I cannot undo the past.... but I certainly can control my future! Marsy and Logan, same to you two..... Daddy loves you sooo much! I will be the Dad all 3 of you deserve.... and if I slip I have people on this board who can 2-by-4 my upside the head to get me to see straight!

Leatha.... I wish you well on your new track in life. While I feel as though we stil lhave unfinished business, I respect your decision and wish you nothing but toal happiness in your life!

I am still struggling with all this. Our marriage is over. Papers have been signed. But I am sooooo sad about this. So many mistakes.... forgiving myself for these mistakes is going to be the hardest part. Last night was the hardest yet I think. But hey I'm a tough bird... I'll be ok in time.

And again.... if this makes you look at your situation and think about it then I can say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

To EVERYONE on this board, have a very Merry Christmas! Be thankful for all the gifts you have in your life..... I certainly do!!!