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THE RULES OF RURAL INDIANA ARE AS FOLLOWS:
Listen up City Slickers!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a
pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny
to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it?
I-70 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $350,000
combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Indiana waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters, gravy, beans and cornbread. You really want
sushi and caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop..
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless
of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or
you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three seasonings - salt, pepper, and
ketchup. Oh, yeah... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call
that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and
served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the
Cavs and the Knicks... and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
spooks the fish.
17.. Colleges? We have them all. We have State Universities,
Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an
education plus a love for God and country , and they still wave at
everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive in it
like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach
from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska. Worst case you may have to
live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snowplows will
have you out the next day.
20. By the way.... if you want to talk to God in Indiana, it's a
local call.
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