[JessicaJ]

Why We Keep Racing When Tragedy Hits Hard
by Jessica Jenkins

As a racing community we got the harsh reminder of what can happen to our drivers at the Belleville High Banks a few weeks ago. None of us imagined we'd have to face a life without Bryan Clauson and certainly we never would have wanted it. But when that type of tragedy hits us square on, when we are so unprepared, it makes us ask questions about why we follow this wonderful, crazy sport of racing. And asking questions is definitely a good thing.

In those earliest, darkest moments I had the thought briefly flicker through my mind that it was almost enough to make me hesitate about going to another race. That thought never got voiced, but I heard from others who did say similar things. However, the truth is that no matter how much it hurts losing Bryan Clauson, that's not even an option. Continuing to go to dirt midget races isn't just because it's what BC would have wanted (although that's 100% true) or even because of a deep love for the sport or due to catching the "racing bug" that becomes an addiction of sorts. Rather, it is the people involved in the sport that keeps us coming back.

The racing family--drivers, crews, fans, officials, etc--is what makes it possible to go back to what we all love in the face of heartbreaking tragedy. As the family that we are, being together is the best place to find the comfort we need as we support each other and take the first steps to healing. Together we can pick up the pieces and find the strength and inspiration to continue on as our lost loved ones would have: pedal to the metal. And along the way we find meaningful ways to celebrate the life of those we love. It's why Lauren Stewart was able to be back at the track just one week later. It's why we can all pack up and head back to the track. From Pennsylvania to Illinois to South Dakoda to Kokomo and beyond, we've all come back together again. And for me, being at Macon Speedway (IL) last weekend, I can easily say that while it was difficult to be there, it was a good and necessary thing to be back around everyone else who knew BC too. There's nowhere else I would have wanted to be than back with my racing family and friends. I'm sure, despite the storms, it was the same for those at Clauson's Celebration of Life in Kokomo this week too or for everyone in USAC that went to PA Midget Week and South Dakoda the past couple weeks.

Racing is something that becomes so ingrained in most of us that it would be impossible to abandon. Through it, we have formed deep friendships and a lot of us have close connections to drivers or one of their family members/friends. And in these still early, raw moments, they are so much of the reason we stay and would never dream of leaving a sport that brings such soaring highs and unfathomable lows. It is because of a deep love and care for them that got us hooked in the first place and is the core of why we'll always be there supporting and cheering them on. Sure, we love the speed and seeing cars race side-by-side in close quarters, but it all really goes back to people and our friendships.

We've been hearing a lot in the last couple weeks about how drivers know the risks before they climb in the cars. It's hard to hear the people you care deeply about talk that way, but we all know it too...it's just not something we like to talk about. So when it slaps us right in the face, like it did on August 6th, it can be a bit disorienting. That's okay and it's normal, but the roots that go so deep and remind us why we watch, race and support each other is what brings us back into balance.

When it comes right down to it, there is one thing we come back to: It is better to love and endure this sort of pain and loss than to have never known them. Through the years, with Bryan Clauson now or Justin Wilson, Jason Leffler or Dan Wheldon (along with others) we have learned that over and over. We could have avoided the pain and heartbreak of their loss if we hadn't let ourselves care so much. But we would have missed out on so much as well. Celebrating their victories, sticking with them through the struggles/rough nights and getting to know the incredible, generous people they were. They made our lives a million times richer just by being themselves. I, for one, would never trade that, even for all of the deep-rooted pain that comes with suddenly facing a life without them--without another conversation, another win, another interview. Even though these moments are difficult, the scales still weigh far more to the positive and we have a lot of brilliant, wonderful, beautiful moments to hold onto. They will continue to touch, inspire and change our lives. Just like BC's decision to be an organ donor is changing the lives of people who may not have even known him like we had the great privilege of doing.

So while there are times of tears and we find ways to live in this new reality, we still hold onto the memories of those we love. And we continue to make memories with those we still have, letting them know how much we support them. And as we keep taking steps and going to race after race, we keep getting comforting little signs that we are doing the right thing and moving in the right direction. They've come in grasshoppers, rainbows and even songs that play on the radio at just the right time. Though living without Bryan Clauson is difficult and we all wish it wouldn't have happened, we can keep going and living our lives in the same way that he did.

Keep Lauren, the Clausons and all of his family/friends as well as Ryan Greth in your prayers. These last couple weeks have been all about recalling the stories with BC and if you have any memories of him that stand out, I'd love to hear them!

(I originally posted it here & you can leave stories in the comments there as well: http://www.racing-reference.info/showblog?id=2699 )

[aka Liz]

Wonderful, wonderful post. So heartfelt. What's haunted me with Bryan & others through the years is bringing my kids along on my racing journey. They didn't ask for it, it was just always a part of our lives. There's a certain amount of guilt for their pain. It has broken our hearts at times, but I think they would agree they wouldn't change a thing. Thank you so much Jessica for your post.

[JessicaJ]

You're welcome & thank you. I completely agree.